He shouts, ‘Can you manage, love’?
She replies, ‘F**k off, I don’t want the job’.

Against my better judgement, I watched the Ireland v Argentina rugby game this afternoon. In the final quarter of the game, the Setanta commentator made a pithy comment that ultimately was a damning judgement on Ireland’s performance. ‘Oh’, I thought to myself, ‘I should write that down so I won’t forget it’. Sadly, the Sunday afternoon stupor meant I was too lazy to rouse myself to find pen and paper.

It was a two-word phrase – easy enough to remember? All I had to do was remember the first word (homeopathic) and the second word would spring forth. But now I can’t remember!

It was something like, ‘homeopathic aggression’, homeopathic defence’, or even ‘homepathic gameplan’. Actually, they all apply.

It’s also my birthday tomorrow so I’ve also lost another year. I really am losing it.

Speaking of swimming pools, is there nothing more pathetic than a grown man naked except for his socks and underwear/swimming togs?

Add beer paunch and/or hairy back for complete mental horror.

I was forced to listen to the Dublin V Kerry match on the radio today. My favourite quote occurred when a Kerry player received an injury in an off-the-ball incident. The commentator said: ‘I didn’t see what happened. I stress I didn’t see what happened so he may have injured himself falling over’.

Afterwards, in the pub, as the Dublin fans (in their jerseys) watched the Man United soccer highlights on Sky, one fan shouted across the room at his mate, ‘You’re an arselicker’. The mate, deep in conversation, interrupted said conversation and roared back, ‘Arselicker? Me bollix!’

In both cases, all I could think of was, ‘The mind boggles…’

So, on the way home, I saw the excellent ‘come-on’ in a bookie’s window:

Bet €10, Win €330

The small print read:

…but only if Ireland beat Slovakia 3-2.

I rang the ‘one who knows‘ about football and gambling and his sage advice was that both teams were ‘shite‘ and ‘pigs would fly‘ before either team could score 2, let alone 3 goals, against any opposition. I took the bet anyway because, if nothing else, I’m an greedy optimist.

Being an optimist, I went for a pint in my local pub to spend my winnings before the match. There’s no way I’d spend good money on beer actually watching the match. One of the barstaff is Polish and she’s very good at her job. However, the regulars are convinced she’s Portuguese but she’s adamant she’s Polish. Sometimes it’s like a pantomime in there – “Oh yes, you are!” “Oh no, I’m not.”

Anyway, an English guy ordered a lager with lime (cordial). She misunderstood him to mean lager with lemonade. He got a bit annoyed at the mistake and mildly shouted, ‘I wanted a lager with lime. The lime comes out of a bottle‘. She got a bit flustered and started muttering under her breath as she re-made his order. I tried to comfort her by making the joke, ‘Bloody foreigners, eh!‘, as I indicated towards the English guy. I thought it was funny/ironic but I’m not sure it was received that way. Oops.

So I return the call.

You know you’re in trouble when your mother tries to set you up with her hairdresser. “Lovely woman, very friendly, separated, 10 year child … and she’s my (i.e., her) neighbour“.

Guess what I’m doing Sunday.

The sailors on board were ready for any trouble. I’m surprised they weren’t flying a jolly roger from the mast! You can’t really see it in this photo that I took this afternoon by the Eastlink toll bridge but there’s a gang of sailors at the front of the ship and another gang at the back of the ship. Do they know something we don’t?

BTW, there’s a fantastic photojoke on the front cover of Phoenix magazine today. Have a look next time you’re in the shop.