Gissa job
Posted on September 30, 2006
Filed Under The North, characters, work | 2 Comments
I’ve been in the Tyrone area for the past couple of days because I was interviewing people for an entry-level position. Due to the nature of the job (a strong back and an ability to drive), I just put an ad in the local job centre. It was a bit surreal as the lady in the job centre gave me a disapproving look and commented that the salary was a bit low. That was easy for her to say when herself and, what?, 60% of the population in the North are employed by the British Government. She should try working in the private sector for awhile!!
Anyway, despite the ‘low’ salary, the CV’s started to come in. And there were some odd ones. The strangest resume was from a guy in his mid-50’s. He included his name, address, d.o.b. and national insurance number – hello identity theft!! It was a 3 page CV and he’d glued the left hand margins together so it formed a little booklet. It was a nice touch, I guess, but typing the whole thing in CAPITAL LETTERS was not. He’d lasted four months in his last job before he fell off the hopper (the wha’) and suffered a trauma to his finger. He had to have extensive surgery and physiotherapy.
His job before that was in a bar and again, he lasted 3 months. And I quote, ‘The weekly hours were advertised at 55, and suddenly rose to 73, with no additional benefits’.
And his previous jobs…
‘I worked all across the south of XXX in various
. All contracts were short and strictly casual. The names and addresses of the employers, duration, dates and places of jobs would be far too numerous to recall and list. I was simply staying in employment as best I knew how at the time, and paid all due taxes to the state. I accept that the last statement may not be advantageous when seeking employment, but to replace it with anything else would be simply telling lies’.
The most pointless CV was from an Aussie who seemed to be travelling the world. Reading a 12 page CV detailing all one’s University courses was not a chore I relished. And listing one’s PADI licence as an achievement does not get one bonus points for a van driver’s position.
The least likely to succeed award went to the guy who wrote to the contact email and asked a few questions as if he was sending a text message. Everything was lower case and there was no punctuation. He started by writing Hiya and finished with Cheers!. Cheerio to you, son.
And, finally, from Mike Brown’s site
These are taken from real resumés and cover letters and were printed in the July 21, 1997 issue of ‘Fortune Magazine’
* I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience.
* I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computor and spreadsheet progroms.
* Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year.
* Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave.
* Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions.
* Failed bar exam with relatively high grades.
* It’s best for employers that I not work with people.
* Let’s meet, so you can ‘ooh’ and ‘aah’ over my experience.
* You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time.
* Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details.
* I was working for my mom until she decided to move.
* Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No commitments.
* I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse.
* I am loyal to my employer at all costs … Please feel free to respond to my resumé on my office voice mail.’
* I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely no one and absolutely nothing.
* My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in meterology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage.
* I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant.
* As indicted, I have over five years of analyzing investments.
* Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far.
* Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store.
* Note: Please don’t miscontrue my 14 jobs as ‘job-hopping’. I have never quit a job.
* Marital status: often. Children: various.
* Reason for leaving last job: They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 a.m. every morning. Could not work under those conditions.
* The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers.
* Finished eighth in my class of ten.
* References: None. I’ve left a path of destruction behind me.
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Can I come along to the interviews sounds like they’ll be good fun
On a serious note, it’s not really fair of me to make comments about these applicants. They haven’t enjoyed some or all of the benefits in life that we have. They are ‘simply staying in employment as best [they] know at the time‘.
With these sorts of unskilled jobs, I usually focus on their interests/hobbies because (a) they might be nervous and it gives them an opportunity to talk about something they’re familar with. And (b) it gives me the chance to see if they’ll ‘fit in’, i.e., will they howl at a full moon.
The guy who got the job listed his interests as fishing and weight-lifting. I thought this was contradictory and asked him nicely about it. One involves sitting quietly for long periods of time and the other involves lots of huffing and puffing over a short period of time.
His reply? ‘Sometimes you could walk 5 miles to get to your fishing spot‘. I never knew fishing rods were that heavy!